Amy, I have only just found this post and can see it's been around a while, but I wanted to say how feeling-provoking it was to read it (if that word can be used in the same way as thought-provoking?). When my twins were born, I found myself with 4 kids under 5. It was so all-consuming, so exhausting, so chaotic and overwhelming. I longed to be relieved of it - to have that 'night in a hotel' - but if I did find myself alone it was never what it should/could be. I was anxious away from them, and I couldn't relax and embrace the moment. It's like flipping a magnet...you want away but as soon as you are the magnet turns and pulls you back.
My youngest two are 6 now, the other two 8 and 11. It is SO much easier, and more emotionally peaceful. Hang on in there. I'm sure that hotel will come when the time is right for you.
"Parenthood is both precipice and summit. Some days, it is a slow, steep climb on unforgiving rock – your knuckles dry, your shoulders sore – while you lurch onwards, trying to stay balanced. Other times, you stumble upon moments of breathtaking beauty that make you feel as if you’ve discovered the meaning of everything." I'm printing this and sticking it on my bathroom mirror. Thank you Amy for dressing the felt experience in words. 🫶
Hi Vanda, thank you so much for this comment and sorry for the delay in getting back to you (blame the children!). I am glad the piece resonated/helped a little bit with the whirlwind of it all. Sending good vibes your way! xx
Ah, thank you. But brava to you as three kids is A LOT. I find work quite relaxing sometimes – or at least benefit immensely from the focus and self-development. Whereas being attentive to children all day can be/is often exhausting. But yes, the expectation to do it all is definitely a problem. I am trying to slack more and be chill about it!
Just discovered your Substack and I’m glad I did, this post resonated with me so much and you articulate so many of the thoughts and feelings I have so much better than I’ve been able to. Beautiful writing. I hope you manage to take some time for yourself and make a habit out of it. I’ve found carving out a set time each week is the only way to go about it, and crucially, sticking to it regardless of how big the laundry pile is or if the baby is teething. Practice makes perfect!
Thank you so much for the lovely comment. I am glad to hear you have carved out that space for yourself. So important. I am not especially good at creating and sticking to routines, but I am very good at ignoring the laundry! At all times. So that's a start...!
Never have I related so much to a single post. I too have two of my own, and the headaches, and the aches of all kinds (and the postponed hotel night by myself.) Thank you so much for sharing this. Your writing is so beautiful, so fresh, and I appreciated the humour behind it all.
Thank you so much for this comment. I am glad the piece resonated (though I also hate that it did because that means I know how tired you are feeling...). It's so tough, isn't it? Wonderful and tough. That's interesting that you too have a postponed hotel night... when do you think you might be able to go? Try to hold on to that idea... sounds like you really need a break. (Though I hope you get some more in the meantime too...) x
Thanks for the lovely reply. I've come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be able to have a night alone in a hotel just yet (my children are 5 and 1), but my lovely husband constantly urges me to sleep in/ sleep in the guest room, and simply be on my own while he looks after the kids for hours. There are tough days, for sure, but some days are easier and currently that's all I need. Hope you get all you need as well!
Superb. Your honesty, and courage in showing your vulnerability touched me in the deepest way. I’m a father of two. Grandfather of four. Currently raising two grandkids, a boy and girl, aged three and four respectively, as my own. I identify with all you say. I am grateful that you have experienced and expressed in the most eloquent way the things my silly masculine pride will not allow me to acknowledge.
Thanks. I needed to read those inspiring words. Right at this moment in time. I, too, am struggling with getting my shit together. But I will. As will you!
Thank you so much for your comment, Kevin. Sending solidarity. I know I write from the perspective of 'mother', because that is my lens, but of course the words apply (and are there to offer comfort) to fathers, grandparents, all caregivers too. And I am glad the piece resonated and arrived at just the right time. Though I am sorry you're feeling the strain too. I have the hugest amount of respect and admiration for grandparents that take on caring roles having already done it all once before. And on your own too... You are a hero. (Although once, when my husband said to me, You're a hero for doing XYZ - I said to him, I don't actually want to be a hero - I'd prefer more help instead!) So although you are a hero, I hope you can find some more support. Three and four are tough hectic excitable exhausting ages! It helps to carry the load. And as for 'silly masculine pride' - it is not silly (it's centuries of patriarchy that has caused it), but it can be deeply unhelpful and damaging for your wellbeing. I think men often feel they need to be strong, hold it together, provide, provide, provide, but you are only human. No one can do it all. So be kind to yourself. Here's hoping we can all get some rest soon.
I have some superb support, in close family members. Even so, it’s full on as you say. The Keira keep their side of the bargain.. always glad to see me.. always up for some rough and tumble, a visit to the pool, park, anything fun really.. and their personalities as they develop are different in that the little girl is sensitive and artistic.. the little boy gets bored quickly with anything artistic but will wrestle for hours on end. Of course I worry about the future, although they mostly keep me grounded in the day, the moment, which is as life is best enjoyed, but finances aside I worry about trying to be a male role model in a time when masculinity is and has been for quite some time, under attack. From the media. To advertisers. To custodial rights. Males are on the back foot. Thanks for your kind words. I get a chance to redeem myself in helping my kids, as I now see them, and both, especially the girl, call me dad, so that is that. I see it as a duty. One I could not live with myself if not carried out. The little moments of joy that are there every day if you just stay present enough to notice them, are the reward. No medals, bells or whistles. No requirement for them, and no desire either.
Thanks again for the sharing of a wonderful stack.
Absolutely love your words which deeply resonate! I have a 3 and a half and a 1 and a half year old and spend most of my time with them both. It is A LOT but sometimes I feel like I’m being ridiculous for feeling it all so deeply. My (almost) entire being satellites around them though I also long for space and freedom to actually have a proactive thought, let alone be creative! Constantly feel like I’m doing everything and nothing. And so loved your description of precipice and summit, it says it all. Also the insane spectrum of magic/beauty to total shit show that can unfold within a second! (I live in fear of broken bananas, though just about anything can be a catalyst!) Thank you for writing this xx
Seriously, why are broken bananas SUCH a big deal? My 20-month-old has just started expressing strong preferences for his banana presentation and was distraught when one broke the other day. (I have started freezing broken rejected ones, and using them in smoothies/fro-yo etc, which has slightly eased the irritation when they're rejected!). ANYWAY... bananas aside... thank you for this comment (and for sharing the piece on Notes). I think the 'I feel like I'm being ridiculous for feeling it all so deeply' is very interesting - and I can relate. I think likely it's because women's domestic labour has been so undervalued that we've been made to feel like it should be easy, natural and something to just grit our teeth and get on with. But you are spending your days entirely devoted to the welfare of two tiny people who have very big opinions and needs. While pushing yours to the bottom of the pile. That's a lot to deal with. I wonder also if the frustration of it all can be felt even more keenly when you do have desires to be creative. Because being creative requires energy and headspace, and I find if I don't cater to my creative desires I get really gloomy and feel more trapped (that's pretty much why I started this substack). So sending all the solidarity vibes - wishing you more freedom and headspace, and unbreakable bananas. x
Honestly no idea about the banana issues. Yes freezing odds and ends of the offensive ones is the only way, huge relief when I started doing that!
Oh so interesting. I absolutely think you are right re the undervaluing of care and domestic labour. I also find that there is an illusion of neat convenience that you are able to ‘go back’ to how things were before with none of the messy wildness of what just happened and continues to unfold on a daily basis responding to these spirited little ones.
You make a good point about it perhaps being more frustrating if you have a desire to create because the required energy, headspace and actual physical space are all in very short supply!
So glad you started your Substack, definitely a necessary outlet. I feel a sense of coming back to myself when writing/reading/creating though in a slightly different form). Word by word...
Thank you for your thoughtful and supportive message. Much love and solidarity back to you xx
This is so beautifully written and resonates so much with those early days...my children are 23 and 16 now, and I can feel some of that 'freedom' you are imagining with older children opening up. It's such a strange thing to imagine that after all these years, I am starting to ask myself what I want to do with my time again...loving your writing and glad to have found your newsletter :)
Thanks for this comment, Kate (sorry for slowness in getting to it, but hopefully the post explains all that!). And thank you again for sharing the piece on Notes. I think that's it, isn't it? Life is all about different seasons (cliche but true). And it's exciting and also bittersweet (possibly? Maybe not!) to then get 'freedom' back in a different way years later, and alongside it the opportunity to explore your wants and needs more deeply again.
I am delighted to have found your newsletter too. That Sam Adamson is an excellent literary matchmaker! x
Gosh, 15 months into no2 already. I think the shift from one to two kids is really 'interesting' in how the stress/overwhelm changes/grows (I think in many ways I am a less anxious parent for no2, but the workload and the inability to find alone time is so much harder which then doesn't help my headspace). I am sorry you're wondering if you're OK or not OK. It's good you're asking the question - in that you're aware of something - but obviously not good you're feeling the exhaustion and overwhelm. Look after yourself as best you can. Get extra help, if you can. Sending love xx
Oh, I feel all of this in my bones. The tiredness, the wishful longing for another life, for walking away, for peace and quiet, balanced with the impossibility of leaving them. Mine are now 9 and 5. There is a such a gulf between now and then, but at the same time it feels so recent. Hang in there. Care for yourself. Find and ask for the things you need, that will restore you, even in small pieces. Construct the space you require and protect it. There is always more to do, someone else’s needs to meet. Find a tiny corner that’s yours, and keep it. And as they get bigger, keep expanding it.
Thank you so much for this lovely message. I do think what helps - (it sounds so obvious but it's surprising how much it's not said) - is when people say, like you did, 'Yes, it's hard. It really is. Those early years are intense.' I think I need to protect my tiny corner more, I like that idea. It is definitely cluttered right now. And everyone keeps walking into it. Today was actually a good day – perhaps because I wrote this piece, and now most of my family think I'm having a major crisis (thankfully not) – we got a spontaneous childcare offer this morning, and after brunch, I spent a lot of that time slowly browsing the cluttered shelves in a really sweet second-hand bookshop. A simple pleasure, but delightful. Writing it out now, it sounds a bit silly, but I found it very restorative. Anyway, thank you again for your message. Really beautifully supportive.
I find myself saying “it’s just one of those weeks” and maybe it was, but they aren’t one offs they are more often than not and it’s at these times, I feel the same it’s too much.
I have also been witness to the “you are obsessed with them” statement. As if I am contributing to my own overwhelm by being too loving or too caring. Is this a thing? Another thing that is my fault 🙈
Thanks so much for writing. I am sorry you're also in a perpetual cycle of 'one of those weeks'. Sounds really tough. What do you think would make things easier for you? (Not everyone is the same after all...) That's very interesting what you say about also being told you're obsessed with your kids - one implication being the overwhelm is therefore your fault. I thought it was just me but perhaps it IS a thing others (beyond you and me) hear. It's quite extraordinary really. There are many things I worry I'm not doing right, but I feel extremely confident that loving my children deeply and openly, and caring about their wellbeing, is a Good Thing. I hope you do too. x
I think it is quite intense because I have both kids at home during the week aside from Wednesday when I have just the youngest and Friday, when they both should be at nursery. We have had a bout of chicken pox, then a week away and then a week of sickness bug so nursery trips have been few and it is just a lot. We rely on nursery so much, we don’t have any family help, so when we don’t have it I struggle. So to answer the question what will help, more childcare (!!) but failing that time for me to be alone for small moments at the weekend is a good compromise/ the dream. Things have got a little better pre-sickness with us moving the youngest out of our bedroom and in with his brother, and stopping breastfeeding which has helped sleep as well as my partner taking on story time and bedtime solo. These have been great milestones, but it with sickness the affect has been lost.
I was told I was obsessed with them I guess because I hover around them so much when I am around family. It might be differently to how they parent. I am nervous to leave them when they are visibly upset, which comes back to the caring/loving thing. I care that’s all. And also they are two boys who try to kill eachother or themselves so naturally I am nervous to leave them unattended in another room. I’m hoping they’ll grow out of it I’m not sure I signed up to be an ever present referee!
Ah, that does sounds so tough indeed. I would find it so hard to have them on my own all week - it's really exhausting. I don't think people really understand it. Yes, work is exhausting and hectic in its own way, but being attentive to small children means constantly putting your own needs/energy levels/wants right at the bottom of the pile. (Rather than working to improve your own needs/career/bank balance etc.) That on top of the endless germ train and sickness - so hard. I am sorry, I hope things can improve even in small ways. And that some more childcare options come up soon... As @louisemarston said so eloquently in her comment above: "Find a tiny corner that’s yours, and keep it. And as they get bigger, keep expanding it." I think that's such an important thing. Maybe you need to ring fence some time each weekend for you and you only...
I have a two and a four year old so I’m with you on the exhaustion and feeling like you’re doing a lot but still treading water. I did manage a night away a few months ago and it was lovely-I could feel the constant noise in my brain quiet down for a little.
Sorry you're also exhuasted - but I'm so pleased you managed a night away. I think that's it - the constant noise is very exhausting. Though it probably takes a while to quieten down, even when you do get away. Am hoping you have plans for another night away now. x
Oh, Lois (catching up on your messages here!) - this is a beautiful comment. Our children are indeed our precious cargo. They are magic. It's just the 'everything else', the endless 'plate spinning' that is often so hard. I am sorry that things were so tough when your son was small - 2.5 years old is a challenging exhausting age anyway, without difficult divorce added in, and having to therefore shoulder so much on your own, so must have been very hard for you. Your son sounds like a wonderful boy. So lovely to hear how close you are. I hope I too have these big deep cuddles with my boys for a long time to come.
PS The hotel bed is going to happen. A work trip came up for the end of October. Two nights away. Bit daunting but... I think healthy to do. Will write about it, no doubt!
Amy, I have only just found this post and can see it's been around a while, but I wanted to say how feeling-provoking it was to read it (if that word can be used in the same way as thought-provoking?). When my twins were born, I found myself with 4 kids under 5. It was so all-consuming, so exhausting, so chaotic and overwhelming. I longed to be relieved of it - to have that 'night in a hotel' - but if I did find myself alone it was never what it should/could be. I was anxious away from them, and I couldn't relax and embrace the moment. It's like flipping a magnet...you want away but as soon as you are the magnet turns and pulls you back.
My youngest two are 6 now, the other two 8 and 11. It is SO much easier, and more emotionally peaceful. Hang on in there. I'm sure that hotel will come when the time is right for you.
"Parenthood is both precipice and summit. Some days, it is a slow, steep climb on unforgiving rock – your knuckles dry, your shoulders sore – while you lurch onwards, trying to stay balanced. Other times, you stumble upon moments of breathtaking beauty that make you feel as if you’ve discovered the meaning of everything." I'm printing this and sticking it on my bathroom mirror. Thank you Amy for dressing the felt experience in words. 🫶
Hi Vanda, thank you so much for this comment and sorry for the delay in getting back to you (blame the children!). I am glad the piece resonated/helped a little bit with the whirlwind of it all. Sending good vibes your way! xx
I found it hard enough to mother three children without going to work as well. Don’t expect to do it all. You’re doing great !
Ah, thank you. But brava to you as three kids is A LOT. I find work quite relaxing sometimes – or at least benefit immensely from the focus and self-development. Whereas being attentive to children all day can be/is often exhausting. But yes, the expectation to do it all is definitely a problem. I am trying to slack more and be chill about it!
Such a beautiful way to describe the push / pull of young motherhood and the self.
Thank you so much for reading.
Just discovered your Substack and I’m glad I did, this post resonated with me so much and you articulate so many of the thoughts and feelings I have so much better than I’ve been able to. Beautiful writing. I hope you manage to take some time for yourself and make a habit out of it. I’ve found carving out a set time each week is the only way to go about it, and crucially, sticking to it regardless of how big the laundry pile is or if the baby is teething. Practice makes perfect!
Thank you so much for the lovely comment. I am glad to hear you have carved out that space for yourself. So important. I am not especially good at creating and sticking to routines, but I am very good at ignoring the laundry! At all times. So that's a start...!
Never have I related so much to a single post. I too have two of my own, and the headaches, and the aches of all kinds (and the postponed hotel night by myself.) Thank you so much for sharing this. Your writing is so beautiful, so fresh, and I appreciated the humour behind it all.
Thank you so much for this comment. I am glad the piece resonated (though I also hate that it did because that means I know how tired you are feeling...). It's so tough, isn't it? Wonderful and tough. That's interesting that you too have a postponed hotel night... when do you think you might be able to go? Try to hold on to that idea... sounds like you really need a break. (Though I hope you get some more in the meantime too...) x
Thanks for the lovely reply. I've come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be able to have a night alone in a hotel just yet (my children are 5 and 1), but my lovely husband constantly urges me to sleep in/ sleep in the guest room, and simply be on my own while he looks after the kids for hours. There are tough days, for sure, but some days are easier and currently that's all I need. Hope you get all you need as well!
Superb. Your honesty, and courage in showing your vulnerability touched me in the deepest way. I’m a father of two. Grandfather of four. Currently raising two grandkids, a boy and girl, aged three and four respectively, as my own. I identify with all you say. I am grateful that you have experienced and expressed in the most eloquent way the things my silly masculine pride will not allow me to acknowledge.
Thanks. I needed to read those inspiring words. Right at this moment in time. I, too, am struggling with getting my shit together. But I will. As will you!
God bless.
Thank you so much for your comment, Kevin. Sending solidarity. I know I write from the perspective of 'mother', because that is my lens, but of course the words apply (and are there to offer comfort) to fathers, grandparents, all caregivers too. And I am glad the piece resonated and arrived at just the right time. Though I am sorry you're feeling the strain too. I have the hugest amount of respect and admiration for grandparents that take on caring roles having already done it all once before. And on your own too... You are a hero. (Although once, when my husband said to me, You're a hero for doing XYZ - I said to him, I don't actually want to be a hero - I'd prefer more help instead!) So although you are a hero, I hope you can find some more support. Three and four are tough hectic excitable exhausting ages! It helps to carry the load. And as for 'silly masculine pride' - it is not silly (it's centuries of patriarchy that has caused it), but it can be deeply unhelpful and damaging for your wellbeing. I think men often feel they need to be strong, hold it together, provide, provide, provide, but you are only human. No one can do it all. So be kind to yourself. Here's hoping we can all get some rest soon.
I have some superb support, in close family members. Even so, it’s full on as you say. The Keira keep their side of the bargain.. always glad to see me.. always up for some rough and tumble, a visit to the pool, park, anything fun really.. and their personalities as they develop are different in that the little girl is sensitive and artistic.. the little boy gets bored quickly with anything artistic but will wrestle for hours on end. Of course I worry about the future, although they mostly keep me grounded in the day, the moment, which is as life is best enjoyed, but finances aside I worry about trying to be a male role model in a time when masculinity is and has been for quite some time, under attack. From the media. To advertisers. To custodial rights. Males are on the back foot. Thanks for your kind words. I get a chance to redeem myself in helping my kids, as I now see them, and both, especially the girl, call me dad, so that is that. I see it as a duty. One I could not live with myself if not carried out. The little moments of joy that are there every day if you just stay present enough to notice them, are the reward. No medals, bells or whistles. No requirement for them, and no desire either.
Thanks again for the sharing of a wonderful stack.
Absolutely love your words which deeply resonate! I have a 3 and a half and a 1 and a half year old and spend most of my time with them both. It is A LOT but sometimes I feel like I’m being ridiculous for feeling it all so deeply. My (almost) entire being satellites around them though I also long for space and freedom to actually have a proactive thought, let alone be creative! Constantly feel like I’m doing everything and nothing. And so loved your description of precipice and summit, it says it all. Also the insane spectrum of magic/beauty to total shit show that can unfold within a second! (I live in fear of broken bananas, though just about anything can be a catalyst!) Thank you for writing this xx
Seriously, why are broken bananas SUCH a big deal? My 20-month-old has just started expressing strong preferences for his banana presentation and was distraught when one broke the other day. (I have started freezing broken rejected ones, and using them in smoothies/fro-yo etc, which has slightly eased the irritation when they're rejected!). ANYWAY... bananas aside... thank you for this comment (and for sharing the piece on Notes). I think the 'I feel like I'm being ridiculous for feeling it all so deeply' is very interesting - and I can relate. I think likely it's because women's domestic labour has been so undervalued that we've been made to feel like it should be easy, natural and something to just grit our teeth and get on with. But you are spending your days entirely devoted to the welfare of two tiny people who have very big opinions and needs. While pushing yours to the bottom of the pile. That's a lot to deal with. I wonder also if the frustration of it all can be felt even more keenly when you do have desires to be creative. Because being creative requires energy and headspace, and I find if I don't cater to my creative desires I get really gloomy and feel more trapped (that's pretty much why I started this substack). So sending all the solidarity vibes - wishing you more freedom and headspace, and unbreakable bananas. x
Honestly no idea about the banana issues. Yes freezing odds and ends of the offensive ones is the only way, huge relief when I started doing that!
Oh so interesting. I absolutely think you are right re the undervaluing of care and domestic labour. I also find that there is an illusion of neat convenience that you are able to ‘go back’ to how things were before with none of the messy wildness of what just happened and continues to unfold on a daily basis responding to these spirited little ones.
You make a good point about it perhaps being more frustrating if you have a desire to create because the required energy, headspace and actual physical space are all in very short supply!
So glad you started your Substack, definitely a necessary outlet. I feel a sense of coming back to myself when writing/reading/creating though in a slightly different form). Word by word...
Thank you for your thoughtful and supportive message. Much love and solidarity back to you xx
This is so beautifully written and resonates so much with those early days...my children are 23 and 16 now, and I can feel some of that 'freedom' you are imagining with older children opening up. It's such a strange thing to imagine that after all these years, I am starting to ask myself what I want to do with my time again...loving your writing and glad to have found your newsletter :)
Thanks for this comment, Kate (sorry for slowness in getting to it, but hopefully the post explains all that!). And thank you again for sharing the piece on Notes. I think that's it, isn't it? Life is all about different seasons (cliche but true). And it's exciting and also bittersweet (possibly? Maybe not!) to then get 'freedom' back in a different way years later, and alongside it the opportunity to explore your wants and needs more deeply again.
I am delighted to have found your newsletter too. That Sam Adamson is an excellent literary matchmaker! x
I really felt this one, Amy! Thanks for sharing.
15 months into #2 and every day wondering if I am “ok” or “not ok”.
Gosh, 15 months into no2 already. I think the shift from one to two kids is really 'interesting' in how the stress/overwhelm changes/grows (I think in many ways I am a less anxious parent for no2, but the workload and the inability to find alone time is so much harder which then doesn't help my headspace). I am sorry you're wondering if you're OK or not OK. It's good you're asking the question - in that you're aware of something - but obviously not good you're feeling the exhaustion and overwhelm. Look after yourself as best you can. Get extra help, if you can. Sending love xx
Oh, I feel all of this in my bones. The tiredness, the wishful longing for another life, for walking away, for peace and quiet, balanced with the impossibility of leaving them. Mine are now 9 and 5. There is a such a gulf between now and then, but at the same time it feels so recent. Hang in there. Care for yourself. Find and ask for the things you need, that will restore you, even in small pieces. Construct the space you require and protect it. There is always more to do, someone else’s needs to meet. Find a tiny corner that’s yours, and keep it. And as they get bigger, keep expanding it.
Thank you so much for this lovely message. I do think what helps - (it sounds so obvious but it's surprising how much it's not said) - is when people say, like you did, 'Yes, it's hard. It really is. Those early years are intense.' I think I need to protect my tiny corner more, I like that idea. It is definitely cluttered right now. And everyone keeps walking into it. Today was actually a good day – perhaps because I wrote this piece, and now most of my family think I'm having a major crisis (thankfully not) – we got a spontaneous childcare offer this morning, and after brunch, I spent a lot of that time slowly browsing the cluttered shelves in a really sweet second-hand bookshop. A simple pleasure, but delightful. Writing it out now, it sounds a bit silly, but I found it very restorative. Anyway, thank you again for your message. Really beautifully supportive.
I feel you. This is so relatable.
I find myself saying “it’s just one of those weeks” and maybe it was, but they aren’t one offs they are more often than not and it’s at these times, I feel the same it’s too much.
I have also been witness to the “you are obsessed with them” statement. As if I am contributing to my own overwhelm by being too loving or too caring. Is this a thing? Another thing that is my fault 🙈
Thanks so much for writing. I am sorry you're also in a perpetual cycle of 'one of those weeks'. Sounds really tough. What do you think would make things easier for you? (Not everyone is the same after all...) That's very interesting what you say about also being told you're obsessed with your kids - one implication being the overwhelm is therefore your fault. I thought it was just me but perhaps it IS a thing others (beyond you and me) hear. It's quite extraordinary really. There are many things I worry I'm not doing right, but I feel extremely confident that loving my children deeply and openly, and caring about their wellbeing, is a Good Thing. I hope you do too. x
Thanks for the reply.
I think it is quite intense because I have both kids at home during the week aside from Wednesday when I have just the youngest and Friday, when they both should be at nursery. We have had a bout of chicken pox, then a week away and then a week of sickness bug so nursery trips have been few and it is just a lot. We rely on nursery so much, we don’t have any family help, so when we don’t have it I struggle. So to answer the question what will help, more childcare (!!) but failing that time for me to be alone for small moments at the weekend is a good compromise/ the dream. Things have got a little better pre-sickness with us moving the youngest out of our bedroom and in with his brother, and stopping breastfeeding which has helped sleep as well as my partner taking on story time and bedtime solo. These have been great milestones, but it with sickness the affect has been lost.
I was told I was obsessed with them I guess because I hover around them so much when I am around family. It might be differently to how they parent. I am nervous to leave them when they are visibly upset, which comes back to the caring/loving thing. I care that’s all. And also they are two boys who try to kill eachother or themselves so naturally I am nervous to leave them unattended in another room. I’m hoping they’ll grow out of it I’m not sure I signed up to be an ever present referee!
Ah, that does sounds so tough indeed. I would find it so hard to have them on my own all week - it's really exhausting. I don't think people really understand it. Yes, work is exhausting and hectic in its own way, but being attentive to small children means constantly putting your own needs/energy levels/wants right at the bottom of the pile. (Rather than working to improve your own needs/career/bank balance etc.) That on top of the endless germ train and sickness - so hard. I am sorry, I hope things can improve even in small ways. And that some more childcare options come up soon... As @louisemarston said so eloquently in her comment above: "Find a tiny corner that’s yours, and keep it. And as they get bigger, keep expanding it." I think that's such an important thing. Maybe you need to ring fence some time each weekend for you and you only...
xx
I have a two and a four year old so I’m with you on the exhaustion and feeling like you’re doing a lot but still treading water. I did manage a night away a few months ago and it was lovely-I could feel the constant noise in my brain quiet down for a little.
Sorry you're also exhuasted - but I'm so pleased you managed a night away. I think that's it - the constant noise is very exhausting. Though it probably takes a while to quieten down, even when you do get away. Am hoping you have plans for another night away now. x
your husband sounds absolutely hilarious.
Luckily for him, he is. Though I'm not sure how I feel about you centring him in the story here xx
Oh, Lois (catching up on your messages here!) - this is a beautiful comment. Our children are indeed our precious cargo. They are magic. It's just the 'everything else', the endless 'plate spinning' that is often so hard. I am sorry that things were so tough when your son was small - 2.5 years old is a challenging exhausting age anyway, without difficult divorce added in, and having to therefore shoulder so much on your own, so must have been very hard for you. Your son sounds like a wonderful boy. So lovely to hear how close you are. I hope I too have these big deep cuddles with my boys for a long time to come.
PS The hotel bed is going to happen. A work trip came up for the end of October. Two nights away. Bit daunting but... I think healthy to do. Will write about it, no doubt!