I love the way you frame parenthood (as someone for whom it may be imminent, but who is also very scared): "But this is the thing – as a parent, you facilitate the joy of others."
I actually feel it's part of my identity to facilitate others' joy. I love creating situations and opportunities for people to enjoy themselves and have a good time. This line makes me feel warm and fuzzy at the idea of doing that for my own children.
I LOVE this comment, thank you. Such an interesting take from the piece and I am so pleased. The wonderful thing about children is that if you make them happy, it really does make you happy too. It's a very symbiotic relationship. And because children find joy in such small and unexpected things, you as the parent find that - for all the exhaustion and the challenges - you feel the reflection of these small joys constantly. They nourish you. Sometimes I worry I paint parenthood as difficult and draining and don't discuss enough of the good stuff, so I'm glad that that line helped you feel warm and fuzzy. If you do have children, I can assure the warm and fuzzies come often. X
This is interesting. Without casting any judgment on your particular friend - my first thought was: isn’t it also rather boring to insist that the same form of fun of 20 years ago should be the best way to relax now? Twenty years ago, we didn’t get hangovers for three days afterwards. We were unlikely to have jobs with a lot of responsibility, or sometimes even jobs that we cared for a great deal. And, yes, no children or other personal responsibilities. (I don’t want to suggest that only people with children stop wanting to get pissed.)
I came to children very late (aged 41) but long before I had my son, I had moved through the need for Big Nights Out as a means of relaxing.
As you describe, I used to drink far too much, often for very self destructive reasons. Then the hanganxiety, my god. I was so drunk at my own 37th birthday (had just heard that an ex had a baby, ended up sitting alone in a bar with a bottle of champagne when all of my friends were late...) that I had to be helped into a taxi at 10pm. Three days of headaches and self loathing later, I was done. It wasn’t fun. It was self harming.
But the wider point about what fun or an escape means when there are so many responsibilities is a different one. Having a weekend away means arranging childcare (even if you’re lucky and have brilliant grandparents/nanny/etc) holiday cover, clearing one’s desk, and so much admin - it’s double the work of an ordinary weekend.
I’m starting to think that the small children years simply isn’t the season for fun (in the carefree sense). But it’s not for long. It’s about 4 or 5 years, maybe longer if you have more children, but not forever. Then suddenly they will be 10, 14, 17.... and start to go to sleepovers and on trips away and you can be hungover and hedonistic for days without them knowing. If you want. If that’s still what feels good.
Thanks so much for this comment. I think you're right - the piece is a piece of two parts – one a meditation on my relationship with drink (and whether it was fun and many other things), the other about the space for fun in these early years of children. Yes, we do change in terms of what we need to relax.I have found it very interesting how many women have messaged me to talk about their own complicated relationship with drinking. (In a longer version of the piece, which I had to edit down for length, I talked about the cliche of mothers drinking - I think that's very interesting too. How mums get this reputation for wanting wine o clock when the kids go to bed, and every laughs about it and mocks them, but actually, why are some mums in need of wine? People are ignoring the reasons behind it... the difficulty of these days, even if we do love and want them too.) I think you're also right about how many these early years aren't the season for 'care-free' fun. Actually acknowledging that and accepting that is quite helpful, I'm finding! Takes the pressure off my expectations... (But still, if anyone wanted to watch my kids while I checked into a spa hotel, I wouldn't mind that!). Anyway, I'm rambling. But thank you for your thoughts. So good to hear.
I feel this Amy! I’m finding I’m craving fun away from all the adulting! I’m mum to two and the breadwinner here... it all gets serious sometimes and I’m like where’s my release/ escape?! 🤷🏽♀️✨
Yes, see, that's a lot of pressure on you. No wonder you're craving a break. I feel you. And it's hard to shake off that seriousness... What would be a good release, do you think? What I think is interesting is that my idea of fun has probably changed a lot since having kids. (As well as being older.) As I wrote this piece, I thought, well, Amy, what DO you think is fun now? Rather than a specific activity, it's probably a state of mind - a mental escape. I could probably experience more fun daily if I learnt to just switch off that mental load a bit more easily....
YES! I love this... I am going to journal on that. I find I swing between feeling carefree to absolute crushed by responsibility... it's a mindset question for sure...
I love the way you frame parenthood (as someone for whom it may be imminent, but who is also very scared): "But this is the thing – as a parent, you facilitate the joy of others."
I actually feel it's part of my identity to facilitate others' joy. I love creating situations and opportunities for people to enjoy themselves and have a good time. This line makes me feel warm and fuzzy at the idea of doing that for my own children.
Lovely piece.
I LOVE this comment, thank you. Such an interesting take from the piece and I am so pleased. The wonderful thing about children is that if you make them happy, it really does make you happy too. It's a very symbiotic relationship. And because children find joy in such small and unexpected things, you as the parent find that - for all the exhaustion and the challenges - you feel the reflection of these small joys constantly. They nourish you. Sometimes I worry I paint parenthood as difficult and draining and don't discuss enough of the good stuff, so I'm glad that that line helped you feel warm and fuzzy. If you do have children, I can assure the warm and fuzzies come often. X
This is interesting. Without casting any judgment on your particular friend - my first thought was: isn’t it also rather boring to insist that the same form of fun of 20 years ago should be the best way to relax now? Twenty years ago, we didn’t get hangovers for three days afterwards. We were unlikely to have jobs with a lot of responsibility, or sometimes even jobs that we cared for a great deal. And, yes, no children or other personal responsibilities. (I don’t want to suggest that only people with children stop wanting to get pissed.)
I came to children very late (aged 41) but long before I had my son, I had moved through the need for Big Nights Out as a means of relaxing.
As you describe, I used to drink far too much, often for very self destructive reasons. Then the hanganxiety, my god. I was so drunk at my own 37th birthday (had just heard that an ex had a baby, ended up sitting alone in a bar with a bottle of champagne when all of my friends were late...) that I had to be helped into a taxi at 10pm. Three days of headaches and self loathing later, I was done. It wasn’t fun. It was self harming.
But the wider point about what fun or an escape means when there are so many responsibilities is a different one. Having a weekend away means arranging childcare (even if you’re lucky and have brilliant grandparents/nanny/etc) holiday cover, clearing one’s desk, and so much admin - it’s double the work of an ordinary weekend.
I’m starting to think that the small children years simply isn’t the season for fun (in the carefree sense). But it’s not for long. It’s about 4 or 5 years, maybe longer if you have more children, but not forever. Then suddenly they will be 10, 14, 17.... and start to go to sleepovers and on trips away and you can be hungover and hedonistic for days without them knowing. If you want. If that’s still what feels good.
Thanks so much for this comment. I think you're right - the piece is a piece of two parts – one a meditation on my relationship with drink (and whether it was fun and many other things), the other about the space for fun in these early years of children. Yes, we do change in terms of what we need to relax.I have found it very interesting how many women have messaged me to talk about their own complicated relationship with drinking. (In a longer version of the piece, which I had to edit down for length, I talked about the cliche of mothers drinking - I think that's very interesting too. How mums get this reputation for wanting wine o clock when the kids go to bed, and every laughs about it and mocks them, but actually, why are some mums in need of wine? People are ignoring the reasons behind it... the difficulty of these days, even if we do love and want them too.) I think you're also right about how many these early years aren't the season for 'care-free' fun. Actually acknowledging that and accepting that is quite helpful, I'm finding! Takes the pressure off my expectations... (But still, if anyone wanted to watch my kids while I checked into a spa hotel, I wouldn't mind that!). Anyway, I'm rambling. But thank you for your thoughts. So good to hear.
I feel this Amy! I’m finding I’m craving fun away from all the adulting! I’m mum to two and the breadwinner here... it all gets serious sometimes and I’m like where’s my release/ escape?! 🤷🏽♀️✨
Yes, see, that's a lot of pressure on you. No wonder you're craving a break. I feel you. And it's hard to shake off that seriousness... What would be a good release, do you think? What I think is interesting is that my idea of fun has probably changed a lot since having kids. (As well as being older.) As I wrote this piece, I thought, well, Amy, what DO you think is fun now? Rather than a specific activity, it's probably a state of mind - a mental escape. I could probably experience more fun daily if I learnt to just switch off that mental load a bit more easily....
YES! I love this... I am going to journal on that. I find I swing between feeling carefree to absolute crushed by responsibility... it's a mindset question for sure...